During a panel discussion at Yeshiva University last Tuesday billionaire and American/Jewish businessman made a startling suggestion to resolve the Iranian nuclear situation. Bomb them…with nukes. Extreme as it sounds, there is a germ of a good idea in the suggestion.
Adelson suggests dropping a nuke in the middle of the Iranian desert then calling the mullahs that really run Iran and saying that if they don’t discontinue their nuclear program another nuke would follow…in downtown Tehran. A somewhat more non-interventionist, libertarian leaning, constitutional solution would have the same effect.
The president of the United States makes a phone call to the HAWIC (Head Ayatollah What’s In Charge) in Iran.
Imagine this phone conversation, and its results:
Ring… Ring… Ring
POTUS: Hello…head terrorist? This is the president of the United States. I’m calling because you need to understand something that you seem to not be aware of…
HAWIC: Wait a minute! Let ME tell YOU something…
POTUS: No…you don’t understand. This is NOT a conversation between us. This is me talking and you shutting the hell up and listening…if you like breathing, that is.
Now, first I’m going to give you some good news. The United States is going to leave you alone about your nuclear program. The United States and Iran are both sovereign nations, and should be able to do as they wish within their own borders as long as it does not hurt other people. If Iran told the US that we couldn’t have nukes we’d tell you to go to hell, that Iran doesn’t have the right to tell us what to do. Well, I’ve decided that we are going to take the same attitude towards you folks.
We have no right to tell you what to do any more than you have the right to tell us what to do, so go ahead…build a nuke. Build 10 of ’em if that makes you happy…
HAWIC: Well! I’m glad y’all finally came to your sen…
POTUS: I said shut up and listen. This is NOT a two way conversation.
So, you have the right as an independent nation to build your nukes if you want, BUT…
The United States has some absolutely AWESOME spy satellites. You wouldn’t believe how good they are. When you are in your buried bunkers, thinking you are hiding, our satellites can tell what brand of toilet paper you are using when you go to the can.
All this is so you know…KNOW…that if you even THINK of using those nukes you have the right to build…if the thought even crosses your mind…we will know it. If you try to light the fuse on one of those suckers, we’ll see your little fuse lighter crawling up to the fuse on your nuke missile with his Bic lighter and guess what? Here’s what will happen quicker than you can say, “allah! Get my virgins ready…the US is mad and here I come!”
I will load up some B-52’s with nukes and send ’em your way. Now, Iran is a big assed pile of sand, right? Well, do you know what happens when a lot of heat…thermonuclear heat…is applied to sand? It becomes glass, and if you even THINK of using those nukes you have a right to build that’s what will become of Iran…it will become one big sheet of glass, a big mirror.
Hell, its a two-fer for the United States…we get rid of a terrorist state, because that is all Iran is, right Mr Ayatollah? And as a second benefit that big mirror that used to be Iran will reflect some of the sun’s heat back into space, solving the non-existant global warming the green nutjobs keep whining about. Maybe it will shut AlGore up for at least a day or two.
Oh…and one other thing Mr Ayatollah. Don’t even THINK of giving a nuke to some terrorist group. If a suitcase bomb goes off ANYWHERE…if some dirty bomb goes off in Atlanta, Georgia or London or Paris…we’ll know you are the source and those B-52’s will be on the way, jackass.
So there ya go Mr Terrorist. Build your nuke…you have every right. But remember…if you use it you get your virgins ahead of schedule…and its YOU that gets them, not some stupid teenage terrorist wannabe wearing a suicide vest.
You have a great day now, ya hear?